through it all

As promised, today I write more about the particulars of my every day struggles.

I have a history of depression that started in my childhood. At the beginning, I was convinced that my feelings and actions were a normal result of the stressors in my life. I learned when I got into college, that somehow everyone around me was able to function perfectly well with similar or worse struggles, and on top of that manage to be happy. Since that time, I have come to accept that depression itself is one of my struggles and it is reasonable and "normal", but that I can choose to find happiness through depression.

This was something I learned through postpartum depression particularly. The worst part of PPD for me was the guilt. I felt like I was choosing to be miserable and angry about something wonderful and beautiful. I would get mad at my daughter for not being an "easy baby". I would feel like her cries and needs were a judgement of me.
Sometime in the future, I will expound upon this struggle and how I got through it. For now, suffice it to say that I got help.

*If you think you may be suffering from depression, please, please, please find someone, or many someones, you trust to help you. It is not only difficult, but lonely and often worsening to try to try to get through it by yourself. I am able to see things the way I do now because of the great support that I now have.*

Many days, I still struggle to remind myself that my daughter's misbehavior is not her way of telling me I'm a bad mother. I have to stop myself from thinking she acts up solely out of a desire to make me batty. I have to  consciously remember that my child, and every child, is an  individual, like me.
When I was a kid, my thought process never went "Mom told me not to do that. I think it would be fun to do it, so that she knows she's a horrible person.", or "This would make Mom's day really hard, so I'm going to do it-and then find something dangerous to do". My only thoughts were of having fun and doing things that make me happy.
 My sweet, and heart attack inducing, daughter didn't just try to climb the outside of the banister, over a ceramic tile floor, because it scares me. She is adventurous and daring in her own right, and I am very much the same. Her purpose in yelling at her cousin and stealing her toys was not to confound my teachings of love and compassion. My daughter has her own desires, personal only to herself. Right now they may seem selfish and superficial, but after all she is two, and what is my job as a parent if not to teach her to be a successful and whole person, including the ability to  think about how her actions affect others.

It is a very big success when I am able to direct my daughter in using that desire for fun and happiness in a positive, productive way.